Drive In '77

Straw Dogs (2011)

In a word: ugh.  

Straw Dogs is a remake of the 1971 Sam Peckinpah film of the same name starring Dustin Hoffman Susan George.  It was itself based on a novel, but this rabbit hole is getting too deep already!  Basically, Peckinpah faithful consider this one of his best efforts, a tricky mix of violence and psychological thriller set in a sleepy (fictional) Cornwall town.  The remake is a tricky mix of violence and scenery chewing.

This time around Hoffman's David Sumner is played by James "Cyclops" Marsden which makes me miss his turn in The Box.  His wife Amy is Kate Bosworth and this time around the two are a Hollywood A or B list couple (screenwriter and actress.)  Joining them are that big tall Nordic Vampire from True Blood and James Wood in one of his most uninspired performances ever.

This film lost me about 5 minutes in with the heavy handed characterization of the locals as backwoods Southern idiots.  I'm not even from the South and I was offended by the lazy and over the top stereotypes smeared onto the screen.  Then you had the "Hollywood" couple and their white pants and "fancy ways" and the vitriol that was directed at them just for showing up to the town was ridiculous and presented without motivation.  The line that killed the whole thing was in an early scene  where a waitress tells David she can't accept his credit card because they only take cash and she punctuates it with (paraphrased) "you know cash, that stuff us poor people use."  It came from nowhere with no prior setup and was completely misplaced dialog.  The writer should be lashed for such clunky a clunky exchange.  I've heard better lines on "Real Housewives."

After that, Straw Dogs and I were at opposite ends.  I wasn't a big fan of the original either, but everything from the blocking to the script to the score were grating on me this time around. 

David's character is probably the biggest flaw.  Hoffman's portrayal 40 years ago was a man flirting with madness and pulling himself away from his wife through his intellectual pursuits.  There was a decent and a logical connection of dots to get from reel 1 to the end credits.  Marsden plays a bit of a twat and replaces the educational obsession with a few scenes of him working at a desk.  This does nothing to set up the infamous rape sequence that punctuated the original.  That time around you could believe Amy's choice to both give in and silently reject what was happening to her, but this time it just felt hollow.  There was no gravity to David so there is very little gravity to the pulse of the movie.  Basically, I could care less about anyone.

I also could not believe David was a screenwriter.  First of all, you wouldn't write your scene list on a big chalk board labeling each one "Sc 1" or "Sc 12" etc.  He knows its a fucking scene, he doesn't need the chalk equivilent of a file extension.  And do I need to say it, "chalk?"  Also, a Harvard sweatshirt?  What screenwriter came from Harvard?

Honestly, I watched the last hour of the movie in fast forward and even at a new image for every minute or so of film, I understood the whole story and it sucked.  Motivation was kicked aside in favor of getting the Nordic vampire to strip whenever possible and then there's a random killing and some fire bombs and a bear trap and we're done.  Which, is pretty much how the first film went too, so I guess I can't dock it too many points!

The original never really stuck with me either, but it was much better at the atmospheric tones and slow pitch storytelling.  I think people shy from remakes because of half ass jobs like this one.  Does it simplify the story?  Yes, which can be a good thing, but in the end it was cast improperly and the technical achievements were limited.  Unless you need to satisfy a raging curiosity, I'd avoid it.

Grade: D

Green Lantern

WARNING: This is a no holds barred, spoilerific review/rant!  It's been a few days, the loyal faithful have already seen it, and after my experience, there's no way I'm holding anything back.

Those who know me, know I love DC Comics and that last summer I caught up on and reread "Green Lantern" with a ferocious appetite.  With the Geoff Johns reboot and the recent "Blackest Night" and "Brightest Day" story lines, GL is the best thing DC has going in print right now.  All this made me more than ready for Hal Jordan's major feature debut.  I stayed away from spoilers, I avoided press "leaks" and went in with great hope.  My will was strong and I try to not let movies like this disappoint me, but Green Lantern was a major disappointment.  

About halfway through my screening of Green Lantern, I was left with the overwhelming feeling of "aw, crap."  I grew uncomfortable in my seat and kept glancing at my wife with the "I'm sorry" face.  I actually was looking forward to the film being over!  Even in the worst of experiences with big properties making it to the screen, I've never been anxious to get out!  My friend Don asked me a week earlier if I was nervous about WB not screening it for critics and I said no.  I was wrong, so, so wrong.

Where do I begin?  The script obviously.  The first act is a sloppy mess of an attempt at the origin of Hal Jordan (Ryan Reynolds) as the Green Lantern.  I mean, the whole script was a joke, but they had such great, simple source material to pull from, such a defined story and they still managed to dilute it into a protracted rubber band ball of exposition, bouncing around in a tangled mess.  All they had to do was take Geoff Johns reboot and film it!  In fact, why the hell was Geoff Johns not the writer on this movie?!!!  Heaven forbid you take a massively acclaimed comics writer and let him write that character for the screenplay.  What a ridiculous idea!  "Yes, we're going to make your Lantern movie.  No, we don't want anyone who understands or cares about the character involved.  Let's get that guy from Everwood!  He totally gets superheroes!"  *click*

Seriously, Greg Berlanti?  Brothers and Sisters, Everwood, Dirty Sexy Money and oh yeah, the atrocious superhero flop No Ordinary Family.  Clearly a talent deserving of a shot at the big screen Green Lantern?  Oh but wait, there were other writers too!  Let's not forget Michael "Everwood" Green, Marc "Eli Stone" Guggenheim, and Michael "I wrote the clumsiest Harry Potter Script of the 8" Goldenberg.  I guess if you're initials were M.G., you got a GL credit.  And who knows who the Writer's Guild didn't allow to get a credit, because anything less than three more (unqualified) cooks in this kitchen would surprise me.

After we get through the origin story disaster, we finally get to OA and the Green Lantern Corps where, oh great, Kilowog is black.  Cause you know, any oversized, muscle bound alien should sound like Michael Clarke Duncan.  Good grief.  And oh, there's Sinestro, the main bad guy in the GL universe... wait, wait where'd he go?  Why are we back on Earth?  Why is Hector Hammond a nerd?  What the hell is Bob Roberts doing in Coast City?  Why is Angela Basset a scientist wearing 5 inch heels in a top secret government lab with lots of grate flooring?  She's gonna break her ankle!!

Of course, before Hal was transported to OA, we got the obligatory bar scene with Hal and Carol Ferris (Blake Lively) hitting the audience over the head with the fact they've slept together.  Cause you know, the first half a dozen references weren't enough.  I actually recognized this as a good time to hit the bathroom, but my wife made sure to fill me in later as we drove home in what can only be described as an act of pure vengeance for dragging her to this shit storm.  Blake Lively was an okay casting choice.  She's pretty enough, looks good in a skirt, but the words shoved in her mouth were slightly less relatable than flying through space.  

And here's another script tip: nobody cares about Hal Jordan's family!!  Holy crap, what a waste of screen time!  A what, 10 minute visit to his nephew's birthday party that added nothing to the character or the story?  Did you guys even edit the movie?  Cause after the clunky flashback to Hal's dad's death, I think you might've been in line at the Apple Store for iPads or something.  Maybe there was a "My Little Ponies" marathon on?

Ignoring Sinestro was the real crime.  In fact, I'm not sure his name is even mentioned, maybe once, but I don't recall.  Green Lantern's arch nemesis and former friend and teacher who betrays Hal and all the Lanterns, and he doesn't even introduce himself.  Brilliant work writing team!  Instead, they develop the idea of Parallax as the antagonist, which might have worked if you used him as a rallying point for Sinestro and Hal to battle together, setting up the eventual betrayal, but instead it's "oh yeah human, we tried but he's gonna eat Earth now so have fun with that."  And for all the time and effort to set up Parallax as this great and unstoppable force, Hal's eventual showdown is relatively short lived and a little too easy.

Aesthetically, it receives a passing grade with a couple huge notable fails.  First off, going back to Parallax, he came off as a giant rastafarian dreadlock death cloud that was part Galactus from Fantastic Four (also a horrible design) and part Kit Fisto by way of the effects team from The Mummy films.  "Look out mon, I be sucking da fear from jah soul!"  Ethan Van Sciver's work in the comics is cleaner and should've been more of a jumping off point than the spooky cloud direction, but then they might've had to write a better fight resolution than "gravity sucked him into the sun" and that would be too much work.  

The biggest ofense was the lantern itself.  An iconic piece of tech, the lantern is the battery for Hal Jordan and they made it look like a poorly designed kid cassette player from the 80s.  It's flat and lifeless and the same type of bloated Hollywood design that screws up things like Transformers and the Batmobile.  Make it glossy, make it glowing green metallic, but don't fuck with the shape!  It was a soulless piece of resin and I hated it.  I've seen melted candles with more personality.  He's the Green Lantern, give him a lantern, not a hockey sock full of Jell-O!

This film was a $300 million setup for the film they should've made.  (Stay through the credits to see Sinestro go from green to yellow.)  Hector Hammond?  Who cares!  Rasta Parallax?  Save it for later or tie it into Sinestro and Hal Jordan working together so that his eventual betrayal is stronger than just "hey, let me put this ring on."  I mean, I guess I can be hopeful they somehow make a sequel so we can see that movie, but they certainly haven't earned one.  Word of mouth is not gonna be strong and I can't imagine non hardcore fans counting down the days till Ryan Reynolds glows again.  DC, why do you keep screwing up?

The one thing I can say is, through all my 36 plus years, this is the first movie to turn me into that obnoxious nerd shouting "the book is better!"  I mean, I know adapting is difficult, and I've certainly learned things about my taste like I enjoy Superman on the page infinitely more that I do on screen, but this was written by fools.  It was a careless attempt to take a wonderful slice of the DCU and make it mainstream and in no way were they qualified to do so.  Hell, there are so many great writers out there that love this material and love this character and you dumped on them for the guy who made Everwood.  Fucking Everwood! I can't say it enough!  Was the guy from Will and Grace busy?  Did the iCarly team have a prior engagement?  Who the hell runs this studio?!

There's so much more I could pick on, but I'll leave this corpse alone for now.  I'm just so completely bummed at what a funky mess it turned out to be.  There's moments, but not enough.  I'm gonna go pop in the animated Green Lantern: First Flight now and try and forget. 

Screened: amongst grape vines and an airport (film)

Director: Martin Campbell

Script: a confederacy of dunces

Snacks: Milk Duds

Grade: D

Splice

Before I start, let me warn you.  I will be harsh on this film.  I did not like it and in discussing the movie with a couple people who did and a couple who didn't, one thing is clear, the movie will sell tickets and split audiences.  So guess what?  Warner Brothers wins, financially.  My opinions aside, this movie got made, got bought, and will be on more screens than anything I've ever directed.  Which so far is a couple music videos and a documentary on porn in Sonoma County during college.  Splice got made, good on ya.

There also will be spoilers, so if you want to avoid that for a film that isn't coming out until June 4th, let me just start with I feel Splice is so awful, it almost doesn't warrant me wasting time talking about it.  It makes eXistenZe look like Blade Runner.  If that sentence speaks to you, we're done here.

I can't help but compare Splice to the only other film I managed at this year's San Francisco International Film Festival, The Violent Kind.  Why?  Because everything I loved about TVK is exactly what I hate about Splice.  The pace is horrible, the plot is predicated on characters making stupid decision after stupid decision, it's predictable, and the script is pedestrian at best.  

The film irked me from moment one with a protracted opening credit sequence that is little more than an exercise in vanity.  From that point, I knew the editing prowess of Splice was suspect.  I was proven right over the next two hours, at least 20 of which should be cut before this thing hits theaters.  I can only hope as much for you, the future viewer.  

(UPDATE: Indeed, 20 minutes were cut from this cut I saw and the version that made it into theaters July 4th, according to Yahoo! Movies running time data that is)

Once we get past the paperwork of who's who, we meet our heroes Clive (Brody) and Elsa (Polley) as they hatch one of their genetically created slug creatures in what plays like a deleted scene from a third world copy cat version of Chicago Hope.  Have you ever seen that bit MItchell and Webb do on their show about the writers who don't bother to study medical lingo for their medical TV show?  I think they might be behind this.  Immediately I felt the weight of hack level dialog that was either directly taken from other films or ripped from the pages of a cliche dictionary.  I don't mind cheese, but this was down there with the assembly line feel of Armageddon, where characters are spouting a bunch of lines with little to no purpose. Actual conversations are an endangered species which is too bad, because maybe if Clive sat down for a heart to heart with Elsa more often he might have already figured out she's batshit insane.

The next 2/3 of the movie follows our heroes as they clone or splice or bake some sort of human hybrid creature (with what is never explained) that they turn into a pet or doll or surrogate child or something. They call her "Betty" only to rename her "Dren" (it's "nerd" backwards, get it?  Cause they'll explain it to you) later on for no reason. Then Elsa receives some afterthought motivation in the form of a mattress on the ground of her mysterious childhood home and eventually everyone has sex.  And I mean everyone.  No really, everyone.  What bugs me about the big "shock" sexual storyline of Splice is that I know audiences will focus in on that as either a reason they love or hate it, but the problems with Splice began long before we get to what ended up being a bit of comic relief for myself and seemingly everyone else in the theater that night.  I cannot believe Warner Brothers paid money for this.

Oh, and then almost everyone dies including Barlow (Hewlett).  I should've known as soon as the dude who plays Rodney, the most obnoxious character in the history of the Stargate franchise (not something to be proud of), stepped onto the screen that this movie was gonna fail.  And then *shock*, she's pregnant!  Didn't see that one coming..... any earlier than say ten minutes prior when she gets raped by her newly male (also saw that one coming a mile out) hybrid child.  And yes, there is a brief moment where the creature stands up and you can see a very large rubber dong swinging between its legs.  Look for it, they did it.

What kills me about Splice is how I can look at it and feel 100% certain that if you gave me the shooting script and a week, I could turn in a tighter, better draft with more compelling character development and tighter beats.  This script is probably two to three drafts away from being good enough to film.  It just drags relentlessly, always with the promise of something resembling a horror movie left unfulfilled.

My favorite quote was "was this ever about science?" because of how amazingly prophetic it became.  From a scientific stand point, it was like a half ass Species.  Another great moment of "dialog" came when Dren spelled out "tedious" with Scrabble tiles.  How weird, it was like she was talking directly to me!  She followed it up with "outside."  Why yes Dren, I do find this movie tedious and would love to go outside!  Truthfully, there was at least half a dozen moments where I was debating leaving the theater.  Cut my losses and get out while I can!  But, I maintained hope which turned out to be as bad a decision as letting the crazy hybrid embryo that just tried to eat Elsa's arm live.  I did not, however, stay for the Q&A.  Nothing Natali could say to me would sway my disappointment in Splice.

Which brings me to the acting.  This was the rarest of cinematic endeavors where the presence of Jake Lloyd's "acting ability" circa Star Wars: Episode 1 would have come in handy.  Sarah Polley... WTF?  I don't know what happened to you, but a SAG tribunal is in order.  Adrian Brody, there's a reason you won an Oscar for a movie you spend 90% of not speaking.  I can't entirely blame them though.  Clearly there is a young director not in control of his set and too precious of his work to understand its limitations.  Here's a start though, avoid uneven characters who make impossibly stupid decisions.

The other problem with our heroes is they are set up to be some kind of super genius scientists and yet whenever it's crunch time they behave like inept kindergarten children.  They stumble upon solutions by accident and guess what Clive, the miracle shot to save your girlfriend is in the same place it always is so stop tossing drawers all over the lab in a lame attempt to convince the audience of the urgency of the situation.  Clive and Elsa are basically the perfect argument against genetic engineering, cause look who might be responsible for it, these two idiots!

Maybe you will have a better time without the director coming out and proclaiming loudly "this is a horror film!"  Really?  I mean, there's a creature and all, but I felt neither shock nor terror during the entire flick.  All the violence essentially happens off screen save seeing Adrian Brody get plugged in the heart with Dren 2.0's tail spike.  There was no blood there though and everything else you see only the aftermath.  I was more frightened of a Pro Flowers commercial I saw this morning.  It was a waste of a monster.

My wife pretty much nailed the Splice conundrum on the head twice.  The first was when she said to me, and I quote, "you know how much I hate Sideways and Lost in Translation?  Well, I'd rather sit through both those movies a hundred times than see Splice ever again."  It is true, she dislikes both those films quite a lot.

The second time was when she said this was obviously made by a group of people too close to the movie to see what a disaster it was becoming.  Bingo.  Trust us, we both worked on The Matrix sequels, we've seen it before.  Here's a lesson young filmmakers of tomorrow, never become too precious of your work until you've earned the right to be a prick about it.  Looking at you James Cameron.  Dissenting ideas often lead to better ones.  You need to be passionate about making the best movie, not making your movie.

Was there anything I liked you ask?  The art direction was decent if not designed around someone's vinyl doll collection.  I liked the costumes, especially the military stripes on the lab coat even if they were a little weird on Brody.  Not exactly the punk rock type.  The creature effects and make up were solid.  I think they cheated a little in making her more human as she got older (probably for budget reasons), but it worked.  I would've liked to have seen the creature in action more for sure.  The camera style was inconsistent yet solid.  Technically it was fine, and they clearly had a budget to do some cool stuff.... in Canada.  Christ I'm sick of Ontario on film, but I digress.

Listen, like I started out with, some people will like it and some won't.  I think if I rented this with four or five buddies and we were a couple bottles into some Bacardi 8 and went at it MST3K style, I'd probably have a lot more fun with it too.  All I suggest is, go into it expecting it to be way sillier than you thought, and not in the intentional Evil Dead kind of way.  But for me, I think it is a crap attempt at a movie.

Screened: SFIFF at the Kabuki (film)

Director: Vincenzo Natali

Script: Vincenzo Natali, Antoinette Terry Bryant & Doug Taylor

Cast: Adrian Brody, Sarah Polley, David Hewlett

Fav. Quote: "Was this ever about science?!" (for it's accurate plot description)

Snacks: pre-game chicken strips

Grade: D

44 Inch Chest

Let me save you some time.  44 Inch Chest bored me to death.  The end.

I wish it was that easy, but I sat through this bloated stage play of a film that had one thing and one thing only going for it; a superb cast.  A superb cast that was given little of anything to sink their teeth into and was reduced to cuss word after cuss word in a vain attempt to convince you they were hardcore gangsters.  Seriously, any grad student out there looking to fill out a graph for your thesis on abrasive language in cinema should sit down with a counter in one hand for "f*ck" and the other hand for "c*nt."  (If you want to save time though, IMDB claims the "F" word is uttered 162 times.)  Everyone else, my advice is to skip past 44 Inch Chest and rent a more entertaining British underworld flick like RocknRolla or Mary Poppins.  

Yes, I was being sarcastic about Poppins being a gangster movie, although the chimney sweeps were rather organized.

44 Inch Chest (waste of a cool title) is about a man who gets cuckolded and dumped by his wife.  He has a mental break down and is left a weeping disaster as he and his gangster buddies sit over night in a deserted apartment with his wife's lover tied to a chair.  He brought the young man there to kill him, but instead kills his audience with rambling dialog about the hardships or marriage and imaginary visits to his master bath.  Is it confusing?  Kind of, since the whole time you're waiting for the ride to begin but you're left stranded in the launch bay only to have some kid come up and tell you the ride is broken and you'll have to get off.  Nothing happens, at all.  Nothing!  You wanna know the end?  He lets the dude go and everyone heads out for breakfast.  There is no resolution, no satisfaction.  This thing makes the final episode of My So-Called Life look like the five part goodbye of Lord of the Rings!

The biggest grievance I have with a film like this is there is no point in making it a film.  Why waste the medium on something so stationary?  Movies are kinetic by nature, they move and breath.  Chest barely got off its chair let alone threw a punch.  The only violence comes in the form of a flashback and is implied rather than seen.  Fittingly, the credits roll on a shot of Colin Diamond (Winstone) walking away.  Walking!  That was as close to a chase scene as they got.  Chest does nothing but talk and talk and talk..... and talk and talk and talk.... and talk and zzzzzzzzzzzzz.  My wife had to go into the bedroom for a nap she was so over it.  Hey, if you want to write a play, than write a fucking play, don't call it a screenplay and waste the talents of Ian McShane and Ray Winstone!

You want to know what the best scene in Chest was?  The sequence of moments from DeMille's Samson and Delilah that are shown while Peanut (Hurt) describes the plot, which is basically the plot to Chest only Samson actually did more than mope and have imaginary conversations with himself.  Hell, Samson got his eyes burned out and he was more put together than Colin after getting dumped.  The alternate U.S. video release title should be Emo British Gangsters.

Am I being harsh on this film?  No.  Malcolm Venville did a phone in job.  There was nothing here that resulted from a strong hand on set or a strong vision in pre-production.  You can't look at a script with this much dialog and two sets and think "oh yeah, this will be good enough."  Take some risks, expand the world, don't just throw gifted actors on a staircase and let them mumble about the old days for 20 minutes at a time.  The camera had a tone for sure, but the dark lighting and shadows only served to weigh down my already lazy eyelids.

I'm bummed.  I wanted this to be a fun little gem from one of my favorite cinematic nations, but it failed me across the board and did little more than make me appreciate what Guy Ritchie does even more.

Screened: on a film fueled Sunday (Blu Ray)

Director: Malcolm Venville

Script: Louis Mellis & David Scinto

Cast: Ray Winstone, John Hurt, Ian McShane, Tom Wilkinson, Joanne Whalley

Fav. Quote: N/A

Snacks: Starbucks 

Grade: D - (based solely on their ability to cast such great people)

The Happening

I've been defending Shyamalan for a few years now.  I always felt like this stigma of the big surprise ending was thrust upon him and led a lot of movie goers down the path of "if it doesn't shock me it sucks."  Personally, not to brag, I figured out Sixth Sense about half an hour in, but it was still a very well crafted film and highly enjoyable.  I think Unbreakable is one of the best super hero movies ever made and have enjoyed his narrative technique in The Village etc. despite popular opinion.  I don't need a big surprise ending.  Life is unpredictable enough without Shyamalan tearing my mind out.

With The Happening, it is finally time to call bullshit.  Night has become a victim of his own publicity, forgoing storytelling (which despite your opinion he still clung to in Lady in the Water) and over blowing a short story idea about spooky trees into a suspense movie with no pay off except knowing the French are about to get theirs.  As his own writer, he's become too precious about his material and tries too hard to be the next Hitchcock as opposed to just being a good filmmaker.  

Like I said, the basic premise of the movie is that nature is coming with a vengeance and trees and various other plant life are releasing some sort of neuro-toxins in the air that cause people to lose their mind and commit suicide.  Our heroes are essentially on the run from wind the rest of the show.  

Before I move forward, one major plot turn involves Leguizamo abandoning his kid to go find his wife.  I immediately turned to my wife and said, "if shit's going down, I'm staying with our kid."  She agreed, which solidified my opinion that when Leguizamo offs himself after not finding his booty call, I cheered.  He even screams at Deschanel that when she takes his kid's hand she better mean it.  What!?  You're fucking leaving her you idiot!  You don't get to yell at the girl who's about to become her mommy when the tree disease eats your soul.  It was such a weak moment for a weak character that it irked the hell out of me.

However, I think this film is going to gain a cult status in the future.  Why?  Because we're approaching it all wrong right now.  Shyamalan clearly made a comedy!  Once you let go of the spook factor and start making fun of everything, it is freaking hilarious!  Especially Mark Wahlberg who is *snicker* a science teacher!  You can't watch him without thinking of the bit on SNL where Sandberg played Mark talking to zoo animals.  His acting is at its all time worst in Happening.  Some of his lines come like 30 seconds after where they'd sit in normal conversation.  It is on par with the woodenest of the wooden Keanu performances.

I guess Night's budgets are shrinking because some of the funniest moments are totally unintentional and in the form of special effects.  The iPhone video of a zookeeper getting his arms torn off by bears is beyond comical.  The rest of the suicides were equally amusing and fake.  And there are a lot of suicides in this show which means not only are the trees kicking our ass, they're condemning our souls to hell.  St. Peter is going to have hundreds of thousands of pissed of parishioners pleading their case at the pearly gates.  "But, but... it was the maple!!"

 My favorite past time while watching The Happening was providing running commentary to Zooey Deschanel's performance.  Like "gee, talking to this pipe sure is easier than acting against Marky Mark!"  Or in a close up of her fighting off tears, "the only thing keeping me from really crying is the number of zeroes on my paycheck."  I actually really love Zooey and up until (500) Days of Summer, thought all her movies were fantastic.  I don't blame her for Summer though, just the script.  Her character in Happening is even worse because it is so poorly flushed out.  Most of her scenes require her to just stand there, and I swear to God one in which she is desperately trying not to laugh as Wahlberg and Leguizamo stumble lines at each other.  Frankly, she's a saint for even surviving this production.

The only reason I'm not completing flunking this movie out of my class is I found so much comedic value in my screening.  Get a group together, pop some corn and get your snark on and trust me, The Happening will not disappoint.

Screened: in a moment of procrastination (TV)

Director: M. Night Shyamalan

Script:  M. Night Shyamalan

Cast: Mark Wahlberg, Zooey Deschanel, John Leguizamo, Betty Buckley

Fav. Quote: "We've just got to stay ahead of the wind"

Snacks: Taco Bell

Grade: D -

He's Just Not That Into You

Happy Boxing Day everyone!!  Seems like only yesterday I was perusing the Boxing sales in Vancouver with my hockey team, but as we speak, I'm headed up to my sister's for a belated Xmas celebration.  Before I go, let me talk a little about my much delayed screening of He's Just Not That Into You.

 During my college days, I had the tremendous honor of befriending Greg Behrendt.  His stand-up was hilarious, and he remains one of the funniest and nicest guys in the industry.  I couldn't have been happier for him when he co-authored this book and it was a huge success.  It has opened a lot of doors for him and Greg deserves it.  I was a little surprised though when the book was optioned for a film and very curious about how it would turn out.

If I may cut to the conclusion.  It's a bit of a mess.  I absolutely support the book and am glad for Greg's cameo as a priest, but the product that made it to the screen is a slap dash effort with no sense of direction or purpose.

The basic structure follows multiple stories of couples and singles navigating the world of love and romance and the language barriers that arise from such journeys.  At times it tries to infuse a little of the self help aspects of the book, but mainly attempts to be a large ensemble romantic comedy.  The problem: there is never a primary story.  Instead, you get about five "A" stories that struggle to stay up front only to pester you for attention.  The script would have been much better served if it picked one or two of the couples to focus on, using the others as complimentary examples of various facets of love.

The obvious choice would be the Justin Long/Ginnifer Goodwin arc.  Only these two carried any real magic through their dialog, achieving a light breezy comedic tone and making you care about their resolution.  They also managed to be relevant to the source material in every scene.  An accomplishment not shared by any other grouping.

 The only other couple who's story I enjoyed involved Ben Affleck and Jennifer Aniston, but their screen time was greatly reduced in the editing room.  Jennifer Connelly's obsessive, neurotic wife character is the worst.  Her marriage to Bradley Cooper, who plays the ultimate dickweed, is a waste of time.  Their resolution is neither interesting nor satisfying.  As for everyone else, I couldn't even tell you why they're even in the movie. 

Ken Kwapis continues to be an enigma in the directing world.  He has done some great work in television, but when he gets to the big screen he falls apart.  His last film, License To Wed, was also a bit of a comedy train wreck and the examples on his resume don't stop there.  Dunston Checks In anyone?  The Beautician and the Beast?  Perhaps this film would've done better with someone else, even though the material seems right up Ken's alley.  

HJNTIY is so incredibly earnest at times, it makes its lack of success that much harder to swallow.  There are some genuinely solid RomCom moments, but they are assembled in a haphazard fashion that make this feel like a Frankenstein of tossed aside bits from previous films.  Is it worth seeing?  That will really depend.  I know my wife would hate this movie because of some of the themes and the way certain characters behave.  They come off bad and there are some heavy moments that might not be comfortable in a "date night" environment.  By myself, just killing some time, it was fine.  I don't think I can recommend it without some huge caveats though and really wish they had concentrated on Justin Long a lot more since he seems to be the truest representation of Greg's voice in the show.

Screened: HBO Saturday Night (TV)

Director: Ken Kwapis

Script: Abby Kohn & Marc Silverstein

Cast: Justin Long, Drew Barrymore, Ginnifer Goodwin, Bradley Cooper, Scarlett Johansson, Jennifer Aniston, Ben Affleck

Fav. Quote: "did you just say 'dry hump?'"

Snacks: potato chips

Grade: D +

Bring It On: Fight to the Finish

 Little did I know that the hyphenate attached to the latest in the Bring It On franchise actually refers to the viewers journey rather than the plot.  After about five minutes, it really was an internal fight to the finish to complete this screening.  Now five deep into this cheerleading juggernaut, I can feel my feet beginning to stick in the recycled mud of their collective lack of creativity.  The first one was pretty great actually, but since then these are straight to video pre-teen schlock fests.

The story follows a feisty Latina, Catalina (Milian), as she "suffers" through being transferred to a posh Malibu high school after her mom marries up.  Of course she is leaving just as her cheer squad was on the brink of winning some made up national cheer competition.  Then, at the new school, with her new step sister, she faces off against an all-star squad with the her new school squad only to eventually merge her old school with the new in her own all star squad and then..... shit I'm tired.  All the technicality land mines this film jumps is about as interesting as the point in the Oscar telecast where the accountants explain the tally process.

Brought to you by the dude who directed such classics as Honey and Beauty Shop, Finish is a clusterfuck of high def visuals, horrendous fashions, recycled dialog, over acting, and thoroughly uninteresting dance sequences.  Seriously, when you predicate your movie on being about awesome cheer performances, you might want to actually choreograph awesome cheer performances.  There was a dance off that made the rejection episodes of "So You Think You Can Dance" look like Broadway.  Maybe it would help if the background cheerleaders didn't all look 35.  A couple of the cheer guys had hairlines that would make Patrick Stewart giggle.  They were so creepy and out of place in a high school, they either looked like narcs, or undercover bodyguards.  

And who did Christina Milian piss off to keep getting these roles?  She is honestly, IMHO, one of the most attractive girls in Hollywood.  She's hot, but she keeps forcing me to watch her in the worst movies.  Torque, Be Cool, Man of the House, an uncredited role in Ghosts of Girlfriends Past???  Not to mention she's played a cheerleader at least 3 times now.  Okay, so that part isn't that bad (short skirts), but come on Christina, have a sit down with the agent soon.  I need more shows like Snowglobe!

Towards the end I realized that BIO: Fight to the Finish is quite possibly one of the most racist movies ever made.  There is no stereotype left unturned when it comes to East L.A. or Malibu.  The working title was even "Bring It On Cinco."  They raped latino culture left and right leaving out only a chihuahua.  Not to mention, I've been in East L.A. and these are A) some of the whitest chicas in history, and B) rich kids because they all have on like $100 jeans and enough overpriced gold foil Affliction shirts to make an Ed Hardy employee blush.  There's low riders with hydraulics and fancy paint jobs, boxing gyms, airbrushed t-shirts, and a boyfriend named Victor who speaks so slowly and deliberately like a Mexican gangster, I can only imagine he grew up in Canada.

If you enjoy oversized costume jewelry earrings, than this might be the greatest movie ever made.  At one point I could swear a girl had shower floor drain grates hanging from her lobes.  I wouldn't have been surprised if they spray painted a couple light bulbs gold and taped them to the side of Milian's head.  If I could take all the giant hoop earrings in this show and stretch them out end to end, they might circle the Earth.

About the only good thing I can say about Finish is that they filmed the sucker in Los Angeles.  Although not exactly a boon to the runaway production problem, I do applaud keeping something this low budget in the area when it would've been way cheaper to ship it off to Arizona.  So, I hope everyone enjoyed their paychecks.  Especially the writers, who even at $100 a piece, got paid too much for their "work."

What did I learn from this movie?  Apparently you thrust any guy's crotch into the back side of a girl and she automatically learns how to dirty dance!  Oh wait, this film might have been misogynist too.  Will I watch another Bring It On?  Sadly I will.  Will I keep seeing Milian's movies?  I hate myself for the answer.  Should you watch this installment?  Maybe on basic cable, alone, and never to admit you did it to anyone ever.  Maybe.

Screened: during a lazy couch day (Blu Ray)

Director: Billie Woodruff

Script: Elena Song & Alyson Fouse

Cast: Christina Milian and a bunch of nobodies

Fav. Quote: "watch your mouth Jalapeno"

Snacks: Chips Ahoy

Grade: D +

Bride Wars

First off, women of Hollywood, when an inept hair dresser puts a shitty wig on you for a major motion picture that will be projected on 50 foot tall screens, speak up!  Kate Hudson's hair is so distracting that.... wait, actually.  Considering her performance, maybe the distracting wig was a stroke of genius.  Damn Kate, you're good.

But not that good and neither is Bride Wars.  What the heck happened to Anne Hathaway?  I used to love her, but recently she's just cashing paychecks and this time she has company in Hudson.  The two play life long BFFs with a shared dream of getting hitched at NYC's famous Plaza Hotel.  Such dreams are all well and good until shenanigans results in their weddings being scheduled on the same day with The Plaza being booked like a gazillion years solid after that.  What to do?!  Lines are drawn and jokes soon follow.

The thing is, I'll probably watch this movie again.  It is the kind of thing I will stop on when it hits cable and I'm sick on the couch with no intention of getting up to put a DVD in.  At its core is a romantic comedy and damn the Gods, I love 'em.  I just love their fluffy centers of familiarity and broad, good humored comedy.  Arggh!!  To be me!!

But even though I have a keen ability to torture myself with repeated viewings of mediocre movies, that doesn't save Bride Wars from being a shoddy attempt at filmmaking.  The story has no flow, choosing instead to insert plot points as needed to achieve an outcome.  For example, (spoiler) Hathaway's character doesn't get married and instead hooks up with Hudson's character's brother (they get married off screen as referenced in the final scene).  The whole concept that he's into her doesn't even get introduced until an hour twenty into the movie.  Would have been effective if he was flirty/homewrecking the whole show, but who am I to judge?  This show just has too many hands in it to be a cohesive piece of film.

The worst part of the final cut involves these seemingly random Ken Burns photo montages with Candice Bergen voice over.  It's like I'm suddenly watching a Kay Jewelers commercial.  Totally out of place and just obnoxious to be honest with you.  But not as obnoxious as Kate Hudson.  Easily the worst role she's ever had.  The character is so underdeveloped and contradictory she becomes impossible to like.  A problem since in the end, her character is the redemptive one where Hathaway just becomes bitchier and bitchier.  Both girls got the shaft in this movie.  Just bad parts.

Guys, you will hate this movie.  The laughs are few and far between.  Ladies, if you're with some friends, engaged, and have a box of wine available, you'll probably like it once.  

Screened: on a Saturday, what is wrong with me!! (TV)

Director: Gary Winick

Script: Greg DePaul, Casey Wilson & June Diane Raphael

Cast: Anne Hathaway, Kate Hudson, Candice Bergen, Chris Pratt, Kristen Johnson, Casey Wilson

Fav. Quote: "You're wedding can suck it"

Snacks: chai

Grade: D -

Full Moon High

If you needed any more proof that there is way more movies out there than you have watched, I present exhibit 8097-B: Full Moon High!  Ed McMahon and Adam Arkin in a 1981 silly about a boy who visits Transylvania and comes home a werewolf.  Yeah, 1981!  

The Set-up is wonderfully preposterous.  For no reason McMahon is a secret agent who takes his son along to Romania to recover some microfilm.  Um, to anyone under the age of 28, microfilm was this tiny little roll of film that went into a tiny little camera so spies could take pictures of things.  Only, they couldn't upload to their bosses via iPhone, so they had to actually get the film back home for processing.  What's processing?  Oh dear.

Whilst in the middle of the Communists scourge, Arkin gets attacked by a werewolf, and becomes one.  Which is great for when some dudes capture their plane back and threaten to fly everyone to Cuba.  "Oh great, more commies," sputters McMahon, who is perfect for this movie.  His delivery is honed from years opposite Carson, so it is easy for him to deliver this schlock.  I'd say, even though he only occupies the first 30 minutes of Full Moon High, McMahon is easily the most enjoyable component.

Back in the States, Arkin experiences a rash of full moons transforming him into the werewolf.  I guess the town of Full Moon is aptly named as there seems to be one every single night.  Tough town for a teen wolf to inhabit.  Hey wait a second?  Teen Wolf?  Yes, the 1985 release Teen Wolf would appear to be a pretty direct rip off of Full Moon High, although way more entertaining and intensely more successful.

Anyhoo, the time line gets tricky, but McMahon shoots himself in his bomb shelter while escaping his werewolf offspring and then Arkin is so depresed he wanders around the country for a couple decades.  He returns to try and re-enter high school and finally win the big game.  Werewolves don't age I guess.  Mythology aside, he dates a little, eats a little and is funny very little.

If you're unfamiliar with Adam Arkin, look him up.  You'll recognize him.  As the son of Alan Arkin, this father son combo is one of the most prolific acting duos in the last 40 years.  Oh wait, Alan Arkin is in Full Moon High too!!  You also get Pat Morita making silver bullets, center square bridesmaid Jim J. Bullock, and Tom Clancy!  No, not that Tom Clancy, the one who sang with his brother in the famed Irish group The Clancy Brothers.  For spotting that I deserve some free Guiness or something.  But the weirdest cameo is Bob Saget who appears twice.  Once in the first 5 minutes in a naked shower scene (top only view, sorry ladies) and at the end as the football announcer.  Now you are ready for some trivia games for sure.

This falls firmly on the cow drop square labeled "I watch it so you don't have to."  This isn't worth the time even for the kitsch of it.  Full Moon High is little more than a footnote in the early 80's and a poor one at that.  Rarely funny as it spoofs a couple classic movies here and there, I was pleased when the credits rolled.

Screened: while eating breakfast (DVR)

Director: Larry "Black Ceaser"  Cohen

Script: Larry "Maniac Cop" Cohen

Cast: Adam Arkin, Ed McMahon, Roz Kelly, Alan Arkin, Elizabeth Hartman, Jim J. Bullock

Fav. Quote:  "Chipped beef is good tonight, isn't it?"

Snacks: PG Tips tea and frosted mini wheats

Grade: D

Daredevil

(The following review was initially published in The Signal newspaper February 2003)

Bucking the traditional festive romantic comedy, 20th Century Fox unleashed "Daredevil" on the screens this Valentine’s Day. He wears red, get it? To be honest with you, my enthusiasm for this film was about the same as that of invasive surgery. Watching Ben Affleck “emote” for two hours is a little like watching bread toast, only without the cool browning sensation. The current widespread fascination with Ben and his personal life is a little baffling to me, but now I get it. It’s all because that drama is a whole lot more interesting than his acting.

As the somber super hero Daredevil, Affleck fails to engage his audience in anything other than wondering how a blind man can dress so sharply. You see, Daredevil lost his sight as a young boy in a tragic "sprayed in the face with radioactive waste" sort of accident. Wait, what comic have I seen that in before... oh, that’s right, all of them. I don’t know when Daredevil first appeared, so don’t get on me about predating other comics, all I know is that OSHA should be concerned about the precarious placement of hazardous waste down at the docks.

The accident simultaneously robs Daredevil of his sight, while super-enhancing his remaining four senses. He also, without any formal training, develops the ability to Chinese wire fight his boyhood bully. This is all done by a radar like ability to “see” the world around him. So why then does he choose a mask that covers his ears? We may never know.

The second act picks up Daredevil, a.k.a. Matt Murdock, using his abilities to fight for justice in the infamous neighborhood of Hell’s Kitchen New York. A dangerous and gritty section of town that this film manages to make look like a two dimensional, poorly lit movie set. Convenient since that is what it was. Daredevil’s weapon of choice is a Swiss Army edition blind man’s cane which is currently back ordered at Brookstone damnit. I swear, with different music and Jimmy Fallen, this could have been a Saturday Night Live skit. it made me stray to the dark side of political correctness and wonder if this character was an inspiration to the disabled (er, differently abled) of the world, or a poor characterture that serves as the butt of many a joke.

Did I mention that by day Matt Murdock is a blind lawyer? Justice is blind... get it? Ha ha. between picking on surly street thugs and avenging his inability to defend the innocent before a judge, Matt meets, fights, and falls for “Alias’” Jennifer Garner. Studios seem to believe that adrenaline equals love, or at least steps up the process. Action films always have their leads fall in love with each other over nothing more than a couple grunts and diving away from exploding cars. If only it were that easy! The publicity for this film would have you under the assumption it is some great love story, but that is what we commonly refer to as false advertising. There is never any serious attempt to bind these two souls and convince us to dedicate our concern to their emotional shortcomings.

The movie cranks along with some fine appearances by Jon “Dinner for Five” Favreau and a geek satisfying moment with director Kevin Smith as a lab technician. Of course Stan Lee makes his requisite cameo as well. The real stand out, and the only reason to sit through the film, is everyone’s favourite bad boy du jour, Colin Farrell. Let’s just say that he does something to the woman sitting next to him on an airplane that we have all wished we could do at one time or another. However, 8 minutes of villainous screen time does not a movie make.

One of my biggest pet peeves about film today is the overuse of popular music. Directors do this because they are incapable of telling a complete story, they need help. In Daredevil, scenes seem constructed to fit song lyrics, not the plot. They are selling us a soundtrack. When Michael Clarke Duncan’s character Kingpin was introduced, we had hip hop in the score, followed by House of Pain rhyming about being Irish as the notoriously Irish Farrell first pops up.... in a pub no less. Using music to slap you in the face and tell you what is going on gets negative points for me with Daredevil.

Overall, Daredevil simply fails to tell a good story. The characters are thinly drawn, and the story is far from riveting, but the film could have missed a lot farther from the target than it did. The opening titles were clever and the look was definitely dark and moody, but overused effects shots and cheesy inserts peppered every reel. Worth the price of admission? No. Worth someone else paying? Sure, if you don’t value their friendship too much. Daredevil is a meatless appetizer for what is yet to come to the screen this year. It will get you in the mood, but you’ll just be hungry again later.

Post Script: 4 Years Later. If I was truly invested in making an honest reevaluation of this movie I would have rented it and given it another go around. Truth is, life is too precious to waste on a horrible film. At least, more than once that is. Final verdict, pretty sure it still sucks.

Screened: Edwards Canyon Country 10, Feb. 14th, 2003

Director: Mark Steven Johnson

Written by: Mark Steven Johnson

Starring: Ben Affleck, Jennifer Garner, Colin Farrell, Jon Favreau

Fav. Quote: “You sure your blind?”

Grade: D -

Highlander: The Source

Now, I am an unapologetic Highlander fanatic. The OG flick is the shit times a thousand. It is all that and the multi national conglomerate that produces and packages the bag of chips that goes with it! I have so many awesome memories of that movie and the subsequent television show. Sure, there can be only one, but why not just add more players like Connor MacLeod’s cousin Duncan and cameos by Roger Daltry and that dude from Fine Young Cannibals!! I bought into it. Why not, a reboot-ish small screen version. It was dorky Action Pack type stuff, but I am positive I watched every episode at least once. So, when I say Highlander fan, that is what I’m talking about.

I am in denial about the other feature films. They don’t exist, but if they did, they would suck my great grandfather’s katana down to the hilt and die. Potentially, if they did exist, they would go down as some of the worst sequels ever made. If they were made at all.

Highlander: The Source picks up where its mythical Highlander big screen cousins left off, that is to say availing my eyes with a pointless and poorly executed sequel to the Highlander series this time. Now, if it did have the same look and feel of the show, I might buy into it like I did before, but the “on the cheap” FX and locations feel more like a Uwe Boll flick than The Matrix. If you’ve seen any of SciFi’s recent disaster/mutant monster made for T.V. flicks then you will find no surprise in the consistency of half ass-ness here.

H:TS opens with a narration by some chick who we see running around and is a former lover of Duncan or something. We’re fed the back story of the world crumbling, nation’s gone, your basic apocalypse rising type of thing. Every time I hear apocalypse now I can’t help but think of Patton Oswalt yelling, “where my Pac-ies at!?” Then there is some immortal spy who contacts his spy buddies with the password “there can be only one.” Seriously? That is your "uncrackable" secret code word? Any moron with a Blockbuster card could figure that one out.

So, this dude relays some message about the “Source” and the end of days or maybe it was about a sale at BevMo, not sure, then he has a fight with something called The Guardian. The Guardian is the first and only immortal who has the brain cells to protect his neck with an elaborate piece of armor. If the only way you could kill me was a beheading, I’d have 8 layers of steel around that sucker! This evil assassin took some movement lessons from that kid in The Grudge and speeds around in creepy stop motion while toying with spy dude before killing him. His catch phrase, “there can be only me.”

From here, the road movie begins. Duncan, his ex, some preacher, a former arch enemy, a kid, and the Watcher Joe Dawson weave their way through some vague European forest in search of The Source. Along the way, they dodge The Guardian, meet some cannibals, the kid eats it, and the preacher goes crazy for no reason whatsoever. Oh, and Joe takes Duncan's sword in his chest courtesy of the Guardian and makes a thankful exit from the franchise.

About half way through you get an odd fight with the dock workers union of Prague while the team saves a mortal from a personal tire fire. A 10 minute montage of fighting and explosions ensues over a really bad cover of a Queen song. It is the ultimate, huh? “The suits have spoken, more action! Quick, head to the river, shoot some dirt in the air, and have the principles beat up some extras. Oh, and try and make it look like it fits..... or don’t. I really don’t care. I just need like half a reel.”

The subplot of Duncan and his ex meanders downstream with little urgency or interest. She’s no Tessa! By the time the gang gets captured by some Thunderdome refugees, I could care less about any of their fates, I just want to see the conclusion to whatever conflict I don’t quite understand is going on.

The Source itself is also confusing. Is it the source of all life? The Immortals? Internet pop-up ads? Here’s what we do know: an immortals power gets weaker the closer they get to it, until they get to it then they can tap into the source and kick everyone’s ass. Second, the source looks like Whitley Streiber’s “Communion.” There’s a bright light over the tree tops and a humming noise. Sadly, no “grays” wobbled about before chopping off heads. Finally, the source braids your hair. I’m serious! When Duncan’s ex got there, she magically had braids in her hair! Who else but the source cold have done that? The Source, alien abductor, power succubus, and hair dresser. Riddle solved.

Here is an observation, immortals, when in battle, always fall to their knees. Never their backs or sides do they land, just straight down to the knees. The perfect posture for head removal rituals like a sword slicing through one’s neck. Convenient, no?

My favorite part was this motorcycle beheading that was pretty cool and original for the series. They also mixed it up after Duncan loses his katana by giving him a couple of daggers to fight with. I actually thought “why don’t they give them some steak knives to fight with instead of these huge swords” at the beginning, but this did just fine. Even with those two pluses, really all I had to do to get this story was watch the last 5 minutes when they recap the entire movie for you and then end ambiguously. Well, not really, Duncan gets the gift of fertility from the source and has babies. Babies that will star in sequels down the line I’m sure. At least with DVR technology I was able to fast forward through the "Flash Boredom" commercials.

Screened: SciFi Channel (DVR)

Director: Brett “did a Siegfried & Roy special” Leonard

Written by: Mark Bradley, Stephen Watkins

Cast: Adrian Paul, Jim Byrnes

Fav. Quote: “This is outside the laws of celestial mechanics!”

Grade: D

Pathfinder

What follows is an actual phone conversation as heard from the office of one of Pathfinder’s producers. (warning: may not actually be real)

* ring ring* "Hello, this is Zachary Spokehole. Why hello Harvard business grad CFO in charge of creative development! Did I ever mention my cousin was best friends with the guy who wrote all your English papers? I have. Well, what can I do for you oh signer of paychecks? Mmmhmm... yes, yes I have seen 300. Great action film, I totally agree. What’s that? Oh, we need to green light a 300-esque medieval style movie by tomorrow. Cashing in? Completely. Yes sir, I get it. Where should I start?

You want an overly melodramatic score that telegraphs every emotional response and swells to ear splitting levels on the soundtrack. Sounds good, ha, get it? No sir, I didn’t think that was funny either. Yes sir, I have Hans Zimmers' number right here. What about the effect budget? Surprisingly small, got it. Props, wardrobe? Really? We bought the entire lot of Beastmaster: the Series. It was in storage at who’s house? Oh, Marc Singer. No sir, I don’t know who that is.

For extras you want just some big muscle men in armor and skimpy clothing. Not too skimpy though. Yes, it could be an excellent tie-in to the new American Gladiators. You still going ahead with that? No, it is totally brilliant! What’s that? Oh, your daughter is doing a report on the American Indians, so you’d like to see some of that? Uh... sure. I don’t see why not? What about the rest of the cast? Absolutely sir, it is definitely not that important. Might I suggest someone with Hercules and/or Xena experience? Right away. Oh yes, I’m sure they can beat their shields rhythmically.

I guess all that leaves us with is the screenplay. Ha ha, agreed! Even less important than the actors! Your daughter? Well, I’m sure she is quite capable but our stockholders might frown at the notion. We need someone at least in their early twenties. I’ll send Stan over to the Coffee Bean to look for someone with a laptop. I know, it’s like oxygen to them. Set up an espresso maker and watch unemployed writers swarm to it like bears to honey. Well, I hadn’t thought of that. Another excellent idea sir. Stan can set one up in the lobby and we’ll see what we get! Stan. No sir, Stan.... S-T-A... yes, the one who delivers the fruit basket to your office every Friday. Change that to Wednesday? My pleasure.

Just to recap; inexplicable snow sled chase, lots of chain mace like weapons, 42 impalings, get the lead wet as much as possible, and oh yes, a bear. Well, that ought to do it. I think we can have this ready by the end of the month. Friday of next week? We might have to skip Hans Zimmer. Use one of his old ones? Why not, he does! Thank you sir and you too. Buh bye." *click*

I am more interested in writing my review for this movie than I am in watching the movie. That is why I wrote, uh... I mean, “transcribed” that phone conversation above during the first 30 minutes of the show.

Pathfinder can be summed up as a fantasy action-er set in America pre-columbus when Indians on the east coast lived in the forests of Vancouver, Canada. Seriously, Vancouver is starting to look more familiar to me than my own bedroom. Can’t we even film the shitty films down here? I guess without those sweet Canuck tax breaks though, the Pathfinders of the world might never get made. Wait a second.... I think I’m on to something.

Urban plays Ghost, a Viking child who is left alone after a shipwreck and raised by the Indian folk. That makes him confused and full of demons and a great fighter or something. Well, we might never know why it took the Vikings like 20 years to return, but they do and slaughter villages, plunder and look like they smell real, real bad. Ghost rallies the troops and action scenes ensue. Doubtless, someone utters the line “they’re coming.”

I can’t even critique the acting because the script didn’t take character in to consideration when it was written. Moon Bloodgood played a gorgeous woman in “Win A Date with Tad Hamilton.” No, really, that was her name in the credits, a “gorgeous woman.” She also had a pretty major if largely unexplored role in NBC’s short-lived “Journeyman” series. Karl Urban has had some nice roles in the Lord of the Rings trilogy, the Chronicle of Riddick, Bourne Supremacy, and yes, Hercules AND Xena. Both of them got saddled with a shitty movie by their agents who told them this would be a big break. “You can have top billing!” Suckers. I don’t know about Moon’s future. We all saw what became of Soleil MOON Frye now didn’t we? Urban will survive this role as he is set to play Bones in the Trek reboot.

And he should feel right at home around Trek’s styrofoam rock formations as Pathfinder uses them often. It doesn’t matter ‘cause the film is freaking too dark so I can’t see anything anyway. It is the kind of movie that introduces you to the concept of “ digital artifacting.” Nispel comes from the video world and it shows throughout. The cuts are all weird. Effects shots are shown for too long, revealing their faults and anything long (as in time) feels unnatural, like the camera got stuck on the tripod showing you the wrong angle. There no fluidity to the edits. It is all rather jumpy.

This film comes off as a theme version of Rambo. Ghost even hides in the mud. But what rambo had going for it was America’s love affair with Stallone and the popularity of “blowing shit up” style movies at the time. Pathfinder makes the mistake of assuming people like Middle Earth type action when what really gets them is a wonderful story. 300 had the story to go with the hyper-stylized action scenes.

I feel like I need to go buy a good comic book to cleanse myself after Pathfinder. On the plus side, I did not fast forward through chunks of it like a number of other flicks of similar ilk. That’s something right? If you pick only one action flick to make your girlfriends sit through, make it something better than Pathfinder.

Screened: a la Netflix and a moment of weakness (DVD)

Snacks: Del Taco

Director: Marcus “hey, I bet I could do that!” Nispel

Written by: Laeta Kalogridis (based on ‘Veiviseren” by Nils Gaup)

Starring: Karl Urban, Moon Bloodgood

Fav. Quote: “grunt, grrrr, grunt”

Grade: D-