Drive In '77

A Farewell to Wizards of Waverly Place

Some of you are no doubt curious why a thirtysomething year old male is writing a piece on the series finale of a Disney Channel show.  Well, simply put, Wizards of Waverly Place is one of the most enjoyable TV shows I've watched in the last decade.  

I'm not saying its the smartest or the most original, rather I enjoyed it immensely.  It has all the elements that have drawn me to Disney shows since the Even Stevens days, mainly a lack of pretense.  These are family shows, harkening back to a bygone era of sitcom and their simplicity and production value remind of a different time before the angry, loud reality programs that shout at me every night.  It might not be the coolest thing about me, but I'm past the point of caring.  For me, WOWP represents 100 plus episodes of quality TV and if we're going wizard for wizard, I liked it more than the Harry Potter series.

After 4 seasons, the show came to a close last Friday night with a spot on finale that wrapped everything with a nice bow and gave fans what they wanted.  I applaud the efforts of cast and crew for all their hard work.

The show was brilliantly constructed from the beginning.  There was a clear departure point (not unlike How I Met Your Mother, but a little easier to get in and out of) of this "Family Wizard Competition.  The premise being each wizard family can have only one actual wizard with powers.  All others remain human and powerless.  The three Russo children spent the series learning magic and growing up with wizard powers knowing that some day, they'd have to battle it out to see who gets to keep them.  Interesting side note, David Henrie appears in both Wizards and in Mother as the son being told the story.  Is Henrie the key to a good finale arc?

As a viewer, you knew it was coming, but there were no set rules for it, so the producers could dangle it always out of reach until the day they needed to execute.  Fans knew it was to be the finale, so there is no room for disappointment.  It was a finale based on satisfying the story from the start, unlike a lot of sitcoms that go through awkward finales.  There was no suddenly two characters are getting married, or weak "someone's moving away" type ending.  It was always about the competition, so we expected nothing more, nothing less.  It was a clear arc that always promised resolution instead of hiding behind "what-ifs" and unnecessary blind sides.

And I know I'm not alone.  Wizards became the longest running Disney Channel Original Program with 106 episodes and a made for TV movie.  It was so popular, it clocked in nearly 10 million viewers for the finale!  They averaged in the high 3's all season, so that is a huge bump of live viewers, making it the current #1 scripted cable show for the season.  In fact, Wizards outpaced the Hannah Montana finale by well over 3 million viewers and we all know how big that girl got in the tween zeitgest.  All of this goes to support my long standing theory: to succeed in TV, you need either a Carradine or a DeLuise!  David DeLuise, wizard family father... boom.  Ratings gold.

Now, addressing the actual finale, it was excellent, but if you factor in the 4 or 5 episodes running up to it, it was superb.  They managed to return popular characters and tie up story lines that have been building for years in the "final 6" which only added to the satisfactory conclusion.  The final hour long episode was all about the wizard competition, a contest both veiled and disclosed to its competitors.  It portrayed the power of family without getting preachy and left us with a fan satisfying double wizard exception.  Was it a cop out to have Alex and Justin receive wizard powers?  Not in the context of Disney family sitcoms.  It is what viewers would want as both characters have endeared themselves through the years.  And it was logical.  It's not like they said "well you both did so well so..."  It made sense, for the characters and the world they inhabit.

If you don't like this type of programming, I don't expect you to run out and start watching Wizards and fall in love.  You need to be predisposed to this type of sitcom, but the weird thing is, I think I'm more into them now than I would've been 15 or 20 years ago.  I appreciate their charm and can enjoy them without the need to over analyze their every move.  Wizards of Waverly Place is my favorite so far.  

Thankfully the show is very rewatchable and I know I'll continue to enjoy favorite episodes for years to come.  From the pilot "Crazy 10-Minute Sale" directed by Fred Savage, to their crossovers and multi episode stories about vampires, there are memorable moments abound.  My favorite might be their ode to silent movies but I love the Mr. Laritate scenes and Harper's crazy outfits as well.

So, that's it.  Me talking about a kids show for 900 words.  I can't help it, I loved Wizards and I thank them for making me smile.  

Torchwood: Miracle Day

I'm basically writing this post for my friend Jess, who I know is curious about what I thought of this show but I didn't want to rant on her Facebook wall for 1200 words, so here we are on the blog.  The short answer is I am very "meh" about it.  So if you have better things to do, you can stop here.  Otherwise, read on suckers!

Historically, I like the Torchwood world and Barrowman owns the role of Jack Harkness so completely, but honestly, after Children of Earth (aka S3), I lost most of my emotional connection to the show.  For me, the first two seasons were Torchwood and now, they're just kind of treading water.  I find Gwen a little inconsistent in her actions and have never thought of her as one of my favorites, so with only two team members left, I only like half of Torchwood anyway.  They did add members this time, but it took me 5 or 6 episodes to get into what Mekhi Phifer was doing, and he's not exactly written as "likable."  And Esther?  I'll save her for my gripes.  Which shall begin now...

My first gripe with Miracle Day is at 10 episodes, it is too long.  I wasn't a huge fan of Children of Earth either, but its four episodes certainly did amp up the urgency of every moment.  Miracle Day could've used some of that urgency and a lot more focus.  A lot more focus.  The whole flashback episode was a waste of time especially when there was no pay off to the relationship other than "this is how they got Jack's blood."  Could've been a 10 minute flashback, not a whole episode. The story could've been leaner and brought in at 6 or 7 episodes and I would've liked MD a lot more.   The same could be said for the cast.  Which brings me to...

Gripe #2 is the excess of characters, or rather the misuse of characters.  I love Bill Pullman, but his death row inmate pedophile turned Miracle Day poster boy arc did absolutely nothing for the story.  Come the finale, he was what, a giant bomb?  Anybody could've been the giant bomb (strap Gwen to some plastique), so why build up Oswald and give him all that screen time so he could be some mcguffin while Jack and Gwen discover and debate "the blessing?" (gripe on that coming shortly)  I honestly thought that since Oswald's was the first non death we saw, that he'd hold the key to the mystery, but instead, he was a glorified suicide bomber.  Pullman did a great job with the character, but the writer's didn't use him properly.

Enter Esther, the CIA analyst that goes from resourceful investigator down in the Indiana Jones "hide the ark of the covenant" sized file room to a complete wreck to a tactical moron back to smart analyst then to an "in the way" damsel in distress and then somehow earns the respect of her team by the time she gets shot.  I cannot think of a character so hot and cold in recent television history.  I mean, she works at the CIA as an analyst but can't figure out to call someone else, anyone else when Dr. Juarez won't answer her phone due to a "being burned alive" situation?  (Juarez was a great character by the way because she served a purpose and then got the hell out of the story!)  But Esther was there the whole time doing nothing except blindly following Rex around and blowing her cover to "Soul Man" C. Thomas Howell so she could visit her crazy sister who was another entire waste of screen time.  Her dialog was a wreck, the performance was a wreck, there was no concrete motivation to anything Esther did, she was a complete waste of time.  If you're gonna write in a girl to be Gwen when Gwen isn't there, at least treat her with the same respect in the writer's room.   She's actually probably the first character in Torchwood history that I didn't care *spoiler alert* died.  And I'm going back to Indira Varma as Suzie in the pilot for that one!!  I was seriously bummed she went out so soon because her character had more development in 40 minutes that Esther did in a full season!!  My apologies to Alexa Havins, but you know, that soap opera training didn't help you turn Esther into anything worth while.  

The third character I hated, although loved, was Lauren Ambrose as Jilly.  Loved her because, like a member of "the family" pointed out, she was a hugely over the top cartoon like character in her appearance and a red head to boot, but hated her because again, a really hot and cold character that in the end had very little to do with the outcome of the story.  It seemed, especially with her little coda in the finale, that Miracle Day for Jilly was just a way to set her up for future seasons.  It felt like they gave Jilly dialog they needed to cram in to highlight their themes and not dialog that Jilly needed to be a part of the story.

My third and final big gripe for Miracle Day was the finale.  Russell T. Davies is given a lot of credit for his work, and while my overall impression of him is positive, I've always felt he resolves his conflicts too quickly for the amount of set up he gives them.  (A trait that Stephen Moffat has gladly attempted to double in the 11th Doctor era!!  Don't blink, the show's over!)  He is a man with a delightful first act, a stretched out second, and then a third that hangs around just long enough to get the point across.  It's his style, no biggie, especially when you consider the amount of quality character development he usually fits in to that second act.  But in Miracle Day, all of a sudden Davies takes the elongated "villain explaining his diabolical scheme to James Bond scenario" and pulls it thinner than taffy on the boardwalk.  When that dude shot Esther I was like "finally!"  The Family has been letting Jack and Gwen and Rex blabber on for like 15 minutes, just throw some fucking blood into the blessing already!!  

I mean, if they were confidant that Jack's blood was only in one spot and that it wouldn't matter if they killed him and his blood got in the China end, then just kill him.  Then you could've had Rex handle his big "a-ha" moment in Buenos Aires with a big fuck you, I've got his blood dumbass and he could've sacrificed himself to save everyone, save the world.  Instead, it was a snail's pace of dialog and an open radio channel the Family gave Torchwood to figure out how to defeat them?  Yawn.

I also hated that Jack and Gwen didn't really know how to solve the problem until they were standing there, which really helped the stretched feeling of the resolution that annoyed me so.  This is where Oswald could've lent some knowledge to the team (he did meet the Family after all) so they would know what to do before descending in the elevator.  Remember how the A-Team loved it when a plan came together?  Torchwood apparently loves it when a plan materializes out of thin air on the brink of destruction and although it shouldn't work, somehow always does!  Not me, I would've loved to see a confidant Jack and Gwen going in to, excuse the pun, spill some blood!  I take it back, don't excuse that pun, I liked it;)  I wanted ass kicking, not "hey, we figured it out!"  Torchwood was like the kid who got a participation ribbon, not the one holding the 1st place trophy.

Don't get me wrong, all gripes aside there were plenty of enjoyable moments in Miracle Day.  Although, I do wonder about Barrowman's contract because he sure got laid a lot in this season!!  Perks of the job I guess.  Gwen had a couple great lines about being Welsh and there were some clever plot devices and nods to hard core Torchwood fans, so yes, it was overall a fun time.  However, it could've been great.  It could've been tightened up and trimmed turned into a lean, mean fighting machine but instead, it was just a little flabby around the waist and wasn't hitting its best lap times.  And that is what is so frustrating about Miracle Day.  It was too Americanized, too slavish to the idea of 10 episodes, too weighed down with the kind of excess story lines and character arcs (or non arcs in this instance) you'd see in a 24 episode drama season to be a great Torchwood tale.  It's almost like it was stuck between a lean mini series and a big full season where you can wander and play on your way to the finale.  They wandered a little, they rushed a little, but they never hit their stride with Miracle Day.  If you love Torchwood, watch it, if you don't, go on a picnic or something.

Final Grade: C.  "I'll let you pass this class, but you need to work harder."

Canceled TV 2011: Traffic Light

Every season the executioner's axe falls on numerous TV shows.  We've all had to say goodbye to some new friends and old acquaintances and while it comes off as an annoyance, we generally get over it.  It's just television after all!  But we love our TV and this season saw some great new shows come and go and I just didn't want to let them disappear without writing them a proper fan letter to pack with them.

Traffic Light

Based on an Israeli show called Ramzor, Traffic Light was one of what I considered three twenty-something relationship shows to hit the air this season.  The other two were NBC's Perfect Couples and ABC's Happy Endings.  What they have in common is a theme of young professionals transferring from their youthful vigor to a more responsible adulthood while holding on to said vigor with all their might.

What set this Fox series apart from the other two is the cast.  Perfect Couples had some good individual components, but the chemistry wasn't there.  The show felt super forced and while it made me a laugh a couple time, it was overall a train wreck.  I haven't given Happy Endings too much of a chance yet, but seeing as it did get renewed, I'll probably play catch up soon.  The one episode I screened didn't hook me, but I did laugh some, so maybe I'll be into it.  But Traffic Light was, for me, a success from the start.

The cast had a chemistry and a natural way of interacting that made you believe they really were lifelong friends.  There was no awkward phase where you had to get used to these people, you could jump right in and just go along with the ride.  Not to mention it features David Denman from one of my favorite shows The Office, Nelson Franklin from my favorite movie of 2010, Scott Pilgrim vs. The World, and the Brit Kris Marshall, better known as Colin, "God of Sex," from one of the great romcoms, Love Actually.  Toss in two lovely actresses with comedic timing (Liza Lapira and Aya Cash) and you've got a likable, relatable group to hang your jokes upon.

The show had some great episodes.  Jokes about bands and sneaking milkshakes and an eager and friendly convenience store clerk and an annual hunting trip that goes horribly wrong, every week was a joy.  The Los Angeles backdrop pulls at my heartstrings and the male comraderie on display makes me long for the younger years when I could endulge in more carefree pursuits.   

The title is actually quite clever.  You get the impression from all the conversations they have while driving that the show's name has something to do with the literal road, but it actually refers to the road of life.  David is the "red light," married with a kid, successful career, house etc.  It's time for him to stop and smell the roses, enjoy what he has.  Adam is the "yellow light," just moved in with his girlfriend, renting, flirting with commitment.  He is slowing down, carefully considering his future, but still struggling with the details.  Ethan is the "green light," single, a ladies man, living it up in a bachelor pad with only his dog to answer to.  He is the man-boy friend we all love.  

Out of all my canceled shows I will miss next season, I think I'll miss you the most Traffic Light.  While Outsourced left me with a feeling of completion and hope for the characters, TL is just gone and that sucks.  It might have been a little to male oriented for its own good, but other than that I thought it was a near perfect sitcom and I became invested in the characters very quickly.  Automatic buy, on Blu Ray even.  Fox blew it on canceling this one.

Canceled TV 2011: Outsourced

Every season the executioner's axe falls on numerous TV shows.  We've all had to say goodbye to some new friends and old acquaintances and while it comes off as an annoyance, we generally get over it.  It's just television after all!  But we love our TV and this season saw some great new shows come and go and I just didn't want to let them disappear without writing them a proper fan letter to pack with them.

Outsourced

Based on a film of the same name, Outsourced was a workplace comedy centered around the corporate downsizing and outsourcing of the American workforce.  If you just read that line, it sounds like a heavy concept for a sitcom and I believe the implications of that idea led to a lot of folks drawing conclusions about its merit without really buying into the concept and just enjoying the show.

The show centered on Todd, a manager at Mid American Novelties, one of those mail order joke item places where you can get fart machines and the like.  He shows up to his office one day to learn the whole of his call center has been fired and he, as last man standing, is to head over to Mumbai to manage a new team of Indian workers.  It is a fish out of water story, filled with a large ensemble that generates laughs through the misunderstanding of two cultures learning to work together.  Over the top at times, there was a genuine attempt at heart and growth mixed in with the standard set of sitcoms antics.  

Visually, creating India in a Studio City soundstage, it looked wonderful.  You could tell the show was expensive and it always made me think it would be a hard renewal.  There was a lot of extras, a lot, and a big cast and multiple sets and a street area that was set dressed to the max.  You knew it wasn't in Mumbai, but they tried as hard as they could to make you buy into the disbelief.  And the finale with the wedding was gorgeous.  

The thing that really irked me about the critics of this show was the accusation of racism.  If you believe that, you're either way too politically correct or you never watched the show.  Besides being set in India and addressing Indian culture, Outsourced never exploited India as a joke.  The butt of the joke was always the outsider, Todd or his fellow displaced American Charlie.  He was viewed as the weird one who was desperately trying to fit in in a new environment.  There was no difference between his journey than say that of Pilot John Blackthorne in Shogun.  Well, except for it being a comedy, so I guess that means you're making fun of them?  It's a weak argument and designed more to generate web hits than committed to legitimate criticism.  The show wasn't about making fun of India, it was about making fun of American perception of India.  It was a mirror, not a cultural landmine like say the comedy generated from something like Martin.  If you want to play the racism card, get off your high horse.

In fact, it was a refreshing show in that it did present a new culture to American audiences, most of whom have never probably thought twice about India.  Plus, it employed Indian actors on a major network during prime time on one of the most venerable nights of comedy in the last 30 years.  And not just one like say Raj on Big Bang Theory, but dozens and extras to boot.  It was a showcase for an entire culture, one that is less represented on network TV than most.  Whether you found it funny or not, it was a bold step in a positive direction.

I'm particularly sad this show is over, but I am happy with what they pulled off and how it was left.  The way it worked out, it actually mirrors the film quite well, leaving an open end of possibility between Todd and Asha, just like the movie.  And the movie is worth watching with the show, they compliment each other in unique ways I haven't really felt before with this sort of big screen to small screen translation.  Could it have gone on?  Absolutely, but there is a poetry to it's completeness that I appreciate.  For me, Outsourced is a "buy" when the discs come out.  Rewatchable and funny, I'd encourage you give it a shot.  A real shot, not the critic who gets a screener of the pilot shot;)

Canceled TV 2011: Better With You

Every season the executioner's axe falls on numerous TV shows.  We've all had to say goodbye to some new friends and old acquaintances and while it comes off as an annoyance, we generally get over it.  It's just television after all!  But we love our TV and this season saw some great new shows come and go and I just didn't want to let them disappear without writing them a proper fan letter to pack with them.

Better With You

Last season, ABC stepped up with a new Wednesday night comedy line-up that quite frankly, kicked major ass.  Modern Family, The Middle, the poorly titled but funny Cougar Town, it was some fresh air for a network that had grown a little stale in its formulas.  This season they rolled out Better With You, a delightful three camera sitcom about how relationships evolve at different stages in one's life.  It was cute and funny and unfortunately, didn't resemble any of the channels other shows that night in feel or tone.  

And that is ultimately what killed it.  It was not close enough to The Middle's dysfunctional, working class comedy to hold those viewers and it was too traditional a format to be a good lead-in for the cutting edge snark of Modern Family.  That's not to say BWY's jokes weren't contemporary.  Seemingly its only fault was feeling like a CBS sitcom more so than an ABC one.  It was all indoors, on a soundstage with multiple cameras, it wasn't as big with the natural feel and environments of the shows around it.  It felt like you were changing channels and when I would watch my DVR on the weekend, I more often paired BWY with Big Bang Theory than Modern Family.  It's all about the tone.

But that is why I feel the show got canned, not what I loved about it.  First, the concept was clean.  In the show, there are three couples: an older pair, their one daughter in a long term relationship and their other daughter in a brand new relationship spurred on by her unexpected pregnancy.  The point being that you got to see committed, loving, long term relationships at different stages in their evolution.  As an amateur anthropologist, it was a fascinating look at family structure as you were presented with a "what will each couple do" scenario.  They played up the concept heavily at the beginning and end of each episode but the bulk of the humor came from the competition between the couple to be seen as the best and the often horrible advice they passed on.  It was "cute funny" and a relaxing watch.  

The cast always felt like a throwback to old timey slapstick comedies.  Not to mention, Joanna Garcia-Swisher is super cute;)  Jennifer Finnigan made me feel like I was watching a real life Janice from The Muppets!  Her facial expressions were priceless, and you'll recognize her from a bunch of TV work starting with The Bold and the Beautiful.  Debra Jo Rupp of That 70's Show fame is there and "married" to veteran character actor Kurt Fuller from virtually everything.  Josh Cooke and newcomer Jake Lacey rounded out the ensemble.  I really liked all the actors and I'm glad I watched the whole thing.

I will miss Better With You, but I'm not shocked ABC let it go.  I am sort of shocked at the new ones they announced, but that is another conversation entirely.  Like yesterdays Breaking In, yesterday, this will be a good watch on DVD if you're prone to romantic comedies.  At 22 episodes, you'll get a good dose of comedy.  BWY was fun because it was lighthearted, it didn't focus on topical headlines or try and shock you with it's humor, it just was a solid sitcom with a good cast and I guess that's not always good enough.  

Canceled TV 2011: Breaking In

Every season the executioner's axe falls on numerous TV shows.  We've all had to say goodbye to some new friends and old acquaintances and while it comes off as an annoyance, we generally get over it.  It's just television after all!  But we love our TV and this season saw some great new shows come and go and I just didn't want to let them disappear without writing them a proper fan letter to pack with them.

Breaking In

First up is a show I myself might have overlooked had it not been for catching a panel with the cast at this year's WonderCon in San Francisco.  It was a great panel and the cast seemed to be really into the show and working together.  You could tell they weren't just selling a job, they believed in it, so when Breaking In premiered I was in from the beginning.

The series opens on Cameron, a super hacker that is using his tech skills to get a free ride at college, living it up in his own dorm, getting free food and free stuff and acting like a big man on campus... without all the annoying strings of actually studying.  Contra Security, run by a former thief turned business man named Oz, does some investigative work for the college, discovers Cameron's scheme and threatens to expose him if he doesn't join the team as their new hacker extraordinaire.

Cameron (played by Reaper's Bret Harrison) swallows the inevitable and joins Contra, a group that performs complicated break ins for their clients to exploit security holes.  From there, you get a lot of comedy as the team succeeds with both ease and difficulty through their missions.  Honestly, it feels a bit in tone like what USA has been putting out with Psyche and Royal Pains but without the necessity of melodrama that an hour long requires.

The strength is in an ever evolving concept that allows for an endless stream of new situations and environments and a production team that allowed their cast to go for it.  The ensemble was a great team of actors and the comedic pacing was strong from scene one.  Slater looked way more comfortable in the role of Oz than his previous series The Forgotten.  He got to play big and over the top and let loose, a dream for an actor.  Harrison continued his stumbly charm from the Reaper days maing you believe he's be a good guy to hang out with, but the geek cred came from Alphonso McAuley as Cassius.  His character was a major fanboy who was ready with a quote or reference that really brought in the Comic Con crowd, which I am most definitely one of.  Cassius and Cameron were a good comic duo and the heart of the show.

And you know what?  God bless Fox.  I know it feels like they abandon shows quickly, but they also seem to take more chances on new ideas than the other networks.  I have a feeling Breaking In was one of those series that was basically canceled from the beginning.  The only way it was going to raise any eyebrows was to have huge numbers in the first or maybe second episode.  It was a project show, no biggie.  I wish it would've had a bigger run, but I get it.  

It just makes me wish that nets would adopt a more British sense of scheduling, just being up front with producers and making short, complete series that have nice little arcs and then the audience doesn't get too attached and start sending bottles of Tabasco or whatever to headquarters.  If they had just billed it as "hey, here's Breaking In, it's gonna run for six weeks without an extreme outside chance if you all really really love it, there could be more someday," then I could see more viewers biting on it knowing it was a short term affair.  Sometimes an eight season or more run of a show can be tiring!  It's a lot of work to keep up with all of that!  I don't know, I'm just spitballing.

Either way, if you didn't catch it on initial broadcast, I'd suggest picking up the ineveitable "complete series" DVDs and spending a few hours with the gang at Contra Security.

Mega Python Vs. Gatoroid

Like a fine wine, I let this cinematic equivilent of eating two packs of Twinkies while on a long road trip sort of guilty pleassure simmer on the DVR for awhile until it matured to perfection.  Either that or until I had absolutley no other way to kill two hours and the wife wasn't home to ridicule my choice.  Let's go with the fine wine thing!

There is literally only one, arguably two, reasons to watch this SyFy channel masterpiece from the inmates over at Asylum, 80's pop superstars Tiffany and Deborah Gibson, a.k.a. "Debbie."  Long pitted against each other on the music charts, facing endless comparisons and "who'd you rather" discussions by adolescent boys (for full disclosure, I'm Team Tiffany on that count), these two white hot stars of bubblegum mall pop have finally joined together on a project, and their chosen medium is that of cheap made for television SyFy channel monster movie. 

The title pretty much sums it up, as these SyFy films often do.  There are plenty of snakes, and plenty of gators, not just one of each, and they wreck havoc on some town and then they blow up and man reasserts its dominance over the beasts.  It is neither original, nor scientifically accurate in any way, but highly enjoyable if you are prone to enjoy such things.  Plenty of bad one liners and goofy kills by both snake and gator (the kills, not the dialog) and you get a member of The Monkees swallowed whole.

Tiffany plays a park ranger who is very protective of the natural environment in her care as well as cock blocking the local hunters every time it's gator season.  That's not the only reference to "cock" I will make about Tiffany in this film!!  The other comes to us in the form of the street slang known as "cock tease."  Seriously, Tiffany is flashing more skin than an episode of Spartacus: Blood and Sand.  Okay, not truthfully, 'cause that series is soft core porn, but Tiffany's short short wearing, uber booby flashing ranger is definitely out to catch herself a man.  Well, at least a new one, since her beau gets jumped by a gang of large pythons, putting a damper into their wedding planning and prompting Tiffany to feed the gators steroid laced Foster Farms chickens so they will get big enough to battle the giant snakes. Plans like that will never go wrong!!  Maybe we should cut the budget on the parks system?

Miss Gibson opts for the classier just regular girl scientist/explorer shorts and a curve hugging white shirt ensemble.  It is classic white girl in the jungle without flashing all her cleavage like a tarty redhead.  Plus, she's all smart and stuff, researching snakes and then eventually getting eaten by a snake.  Well, not eaten really, but I'm jumping ahead a little.

Somewhere along the way, Tiffany and Debbie get in shouting matches over the two predators and the nautral balance of things and then this Native American dude shows up with no answers but he acts like he's got a solution and then, before the girls can reconcile their differences and team up to take down the epic battle of ancient reptilian nightmares, this happens:

Millions of junior high fantasies come true as a whole generation of males collectively gets a boner.  Oh, but wait, shortly after, in a clever move of fight choreography to help the girls clean up, this happens:

And boom goes the dymanite!  The girls are together at last and DVD sales double!  But what about the snakes and the gators?  Well, there is something about pheromones and a cave and explosives, I'm really not sure, but what I love is that in the final act, and I will not say spoiler alert, both our heroines get it!!  That's right, the only survivor is the creepy Indian dude who dedicates a plaque to them in a "one year later" coda!  Tiffany goes first, and you can see why.  It's hard for any animal, or man in an animal like state, to take his eyes off that rack.  Naturally, since she sort of prompted the unexpicably rapid evolution of the gatoroids, Tiffany gets swallowed by one of them scaly varments. 

Debbie tried to save her, but failed, and then falls out of a helicoptor and into a swamp after all the other creatures have been blown to bits.  Unfortuantely, as Tiffany clearly pointed out to the local yokel hunters early in the movie, a pythons head can live for up to an hour after being cut off and thus a semi truck sized snake noggin chops her in two.  *tear*

I'd love to think they'd just go ahead and make a sequel to this movie and it would star Tiffany and Debbie Gibson.  What, their characters are dead?  Who cares!!  Just bring 'em back to life with no explanation to battle big ole gators and train eating pythons all over again!  I don't care about continuity, let's just get these two super stars back in action on the small screen!!!  And if possible, can Tiffany wear even less this time?

I would be remiss not to mention that yes, the dialog did include lyrics from both pop princesses.  At one point Tiffany says "I think we're alone now" and Debbie replies "there doesn't seem to be anyone around."  You gotta give it up to the girls for playing with their past like that.  Tiffany also says to Debbie in the cat fight sequence "only in your dreams."  There was probably more, but those two stick out.... like Tiffany's boobs for the entire second half of the film.  Seriously, you saw the photo up there right?  That dress cannot be park ranger approved. 

Mega Python vs. Gatoroid is awfully bad, but so good at it.  The visual effects are hilarious, including a creature biting a blimp emblazened with the Asylum logo and the plot survives on its simplicity not its intelligence.  I kind of see how the gators got bigger, but I couldn't tell you what was going on with the snakes.  Thankfully, none of that matters.  This is a cheesy film made for people like me who survived the 80s and want to see what Tiffany and Debbie are up to now.  You will learn nothing, you will gain nothing, but you'll probably laugh pretty hard and have a good time.  With a tint of nostalgia, and using the SyFy sliding scale of grading, I gave this one a solid "C."

Screened: through teary eyes of laughter and joy (TV)

Director:  Mary Lambert

Script:  Naomi L. Selfman

Cast: Tiffany, Debbie Gibson, Micky Dolenz (yes, of The Monkees)

Fav. Quote:  "You gator baiting bitch!"

Snacks: polish dogs and water

Grade: C

Extreme Couponing & The Awfulness of TLC

Okay TLC.  I've had it.  You are by far the worst channel on television.  I affectionately have called you The Loser Channel for a while now because you have long since abandoned anything to do with "learning."  You're programming is exploitative, contrived, phony, and the best example around of how money grab programming decisions and half assed scripted reality programs are destroying broadcasting.  If I cling too much to the bossom of hyperbole it's because you've earned it.

On top of all that, you also steal your ideas from everyone else.  Virtually all of your shows were done first by someone else.  You pounce on popular programs and then make them even more ridiculous, coaxing seemingly normal human beings into broad stroke charactictures based on stereotypes all to entertain your viewers.  You're so bad, you've even ripped off your own shows!!  Here's a list with the TLC show on the left and the original on the right

• Cake Boss  -  Ace of Cakes (Food Network)
• Fabulous Cakes  -  Amazing Wedding Cakes (WE tv)
• Ultimate Cake Off - Food Network Challenge (mostly a cake driven show) (Food Network)
• Trading Spaces - Changing Rooms (BBC)
• Sister Wives  -  Big Love (HBO)
• Outrageous Kid Parties  -  basically Super Sweet 16 (MTV)
• Mall Cops: Mall of America  -  Paul Blart: Mall Cop (Columbia Pictures)
• Little Couple  -  Little People, Big World (TLC)
• DC Cupcakes  -  Cupcake Girls (The W Network in Canada)
• Pawn Queens  -  Pawn Stars or Hardcore Pawn, take your pick

What Not To Wear and Junkyard Wars were also British shows before you brought them over here and yes, I know BBC basically owns you, but you get my point.  You're a recycler.  You're a parasite on other's ideas.  This stuff was just off the top of my head, but I'm sure if I peeled away the layers on some of your other shows, I'd find their inspiration.  Most of it seems to be 60 Minutes segments anyway.  And don't get me started on the Littlest Chocolatier which was some idiot in a room saying "hey, why don't we combine a dessert show and those little people everyone loves and make a show!"  It was offensive and ridiculous and I feel sorry for what you did to those business owners you took advantage of during that show.  

However, Littlest Chocolatiers is no longer your champion for horrific television.  Nope, the championship belt now belongs to the virtually unwatchable Extreme Couponing.

In this show, we are presented with obsessive compulsives who clip coupons and use computers to organize and attack grocery stores, all in the name of saving money.  Despite the appeal of a five minute blurb during The Today Show, the real awfulness of Couponing is when you see inside thier homes.  These people are sick! They have stockrooms full of cans and paper towels and more toothpaste than one person needs in their lifetime.  These people are nothing more than organized hoarders!  (Hoarders, also a TLC show)

The first woman they show is some vapid blonde who, when discussing the origin of her coupon obsession, says "When my husband lost his job I was really worried about if I'd be able to go have a glass of wine with my friends."  She is more concerned about her appearence than survival, showing up to the store in heels and refreshing her makeup often.  In her shopping trip, she purchases 150 bottles of condiments (mostly mustard)!  What, do you operate a baseball park?  It is disgusting and she is so proud of her shower full of paper towels and all the crap she doesn't need that she buys and hoards in her basement.  I wanted to hit her!  She's not starving, she's not destitute and here she is with all this food.  How about donating some of that to a homeless shleter?  How about working for a fucking homeless shelter?!! 

The second woman at least had seven kids to feed, but still, one of them slept on a bed of toilet paper.  And she had a custom can shelf in the dining room so the oldest cans got used first, not to mention the "sundries" shelf at the foot of her bed. 

 You wanna know why newspapers are dying?  Because these psychos are probably putting a quarter in the corner newsbox and taking every paper in there!  These are sick people and this show highlights their disease and praises them for their "thriftiness."  The whole show made me want to barf.  I would take a week straight of weird baby beauty contests before I watched this steaming pile again.  These folks need to be greeted by a doctor at the checkout stand, not a grumpy manager conerned about all the paperwork this was going to create for him. 

These people are not heroes, they are not to be admired.  Neither is TLC.  In a swamp of rotten reality shows, TLC stands atop the sludge.  There is saying that journalists take important stories and make them entertaining.  TLC does just the opposite.  They take entertaining little tidbits and try and convince you they're important enough to earn an hour out of your life.  If you take any advice from me ever, turn off this crap and never look back.

My 2010 San Diego Comic Con Recap: Part 1

By this point, I am sure all of you have read and perused more coverage of the 41st annual San Diego Comic Con than is doctor recommended.  However, since I lost my job on Thursday afternoon of Con and didn't get to post my daily recaps for a paycheck, I thought I'd condense my 12th experience at this world famous nerd prom into Drive In '77.

Thursday

This year the Con limited the number of Preview Night badges available, and although I had one, I skipped Preview Night for the first time since the 90s and even drove to San Diego early Thursday.  Like 4 AM early.  My hotel gave me a super early check in though, so my whole day was available to battling the crowds!  That battle began with the badge pick up line.  I started tracking backwards along the line which took me through the alley between the convention center and the Marriott and back along the Marina a bit.  Luckily, it moved quickly but I remembered why I love preview night so much!  Especially when we got to the security chick with the megaphone.... singing into the megaphone like she was hoping one of us in line was a talent scout or something. 

Once inside I headed over to the video game booths to scan for an article I was to write up that night.  More on that later.  Then it was a pit stop at Katie Cook's table in Artist's Alley, which was moved to the end of G this year.  I liked it there by the by.  Dropped Katie and her hubby Ryan off some cookies (a now annual tradition) wrapped in a road trip Del Taco bag and picked up the greatest purchase of this year's Con: Katie's little book "Fuck You Box" about a cursing cat that was so funny, it made me cry.  She sold out on Saturday I think, partially because Patton Oswalt tweeted about it, but mostly I like to think because I tweeted about it!  Love Katie, always great to see her.

Took a gander at Ballroom 20 and realized I wasn't getting in and since I don't like to dilute my Con by waiting in line for panels, I hit the Gaslamp outside to see what was going on outside.  Found Flynn's Arcade, although it wasn't open yet, and next door was the Threadless pop-up shop, which was only opne that day.  They had limited edition shirts (bought one) and an art wall where I drew one of my little Jawas.  Then saw the Green Hornet's car and got a free Mars bar before heading back inside.

Walked the floor some more before heading into some TV panels to write about.  But first was a panel from 38 Studios, the video game company owned by famed baseball pitcher Curt Schilling.  They went over their new game and Todd McFarlane stood on the table to explain character design.  It was pretty funny and the game looks good, if I did that kind of stuff.  In the same room I stuck around for a panel on the 10th anniversary of Radical Axis, the Atlanta based animation studio that does Aqua Teen Hunger Force and Squidbillies among others.  It was one of the few panels I've ever seen where the Q&A portion totally saved it.  Moderated by USA Today's Pop Candy blogger Whitney Matheson, the panel was a snooze fest.  The guys didn't want to talk and Whitney's questions were boring and lifeless.  I hate to bag on her 'cause I read Pop Candy regularly, but sheesh, it was bad.

Other Thursday highlights included free Prismacolor pens at their booth and me drawing yet another Jawa for their art wall which stayed up all weekend.  Seeing my buddy Spencer over at his booth, lots of cool steampunk attire including this badass time travel gauntlet I really wish I could've afforded, and oh yes, getting fired!

I got three texts about checking my email and my site shutting down all writers.  Awesome.  By the time I got back to the room and checked my inbox I was pretty sure my company had folded.  And it pretty much has.  They say they need a couple months to reload and then maybe they can rehire writers... for a site that requires daily updates from uh... writers?  So now my entire Con, carefully crafted and scheduled to get coverage for like half a dozen articles, is out the window and into the Pacific ocean.  So is the money I was gonna make for writing those articles.  Time for sleep.

But hey, the BBC America Look Around You panel was hilarious!!  

Oh, and iPad sightings: 24

 

Doctor Who: The End of Time

 Last night I let the DVR record the second part of the Doctor Who special "The End of Time" as I tried to ignore the end of the 10th Doctor by watching some hockey.  Since both the U.S. Junior team and my Sharkies pulled out convincing wins, I thought it must be my kind of night and dove in to the first part taped last week.

I could go into a full on review of the show or do some big retrospective on the first 4 series of the relaunched Who, but that'd be silly.  If you love the Doctor, you watched it and you know.  You saw the baby Adipose and the Torchwood glove.  You hear him make an off handed comment about getting married.  You squealed when Donna first appears and cried as he said goodbye to Captain Jack.  It was an epic two parter, worthy of being recognized as one of the all time great finales.   Russell T. Davies has made some enemies over the past few years with his decisions, but I challenge anyone to find fault in the way he sent off Doctor #10.

Going in we knew it was the end.  We knew Tennant was gone, we just didn't know how.  All the previous Doctor regenerations (that is, the old series) were rather compartmentalized.  It was a McGuffin of the Whoniverse, nothing more.  A way to keep the series alive through casting difficulties.  It's brilliant in fact, but never addressed in such a serious manner as it was tonight with David Tennant.  There was a gloomy gravity to every moment, begging the audience to guess as to how and when.  It was a giant magic trick, misdirecting us with slights of hand both subtle and obvious.  In the end, the very end, his demise is quite fitting, based on the subtle distinction of the Doctor's moral values more than a galactic catastrophe.  

It definitely felt like a finale. The Eccleston/Tennant transition was very organic, bound together by Rose Tyler both as a companion and as the damsel in distress.  I always saw them as basically the same version of the Doctor.  More like 9 and 9.5 than 9 and 10.  It was a very natural extension like Eccleston was the teenager and Tennant the man.  Maybe not in outward demeanor, but in knowledge and execution.  Therefore, they set this one, this regeneration as a big goodbye.  It was more an event than any previous change and I found myself getting quite emotional about it towards the end, the very very end.

In fact, that entire finale sequence of him getting his "reward" is a lovely nod to Tennant, the fans, and the impact of the rebooted 21st century Doctor Who on popular culture.  To the generations born in the 80's and beyond, Who was reserved for only the most diligent science fiction fans, those hungry to dive into anything and everything.  The lack of a complete set of tapes has made Who of the past a mish-mash of adventures most often concentrated on the great Tom Baker.  But now, now Doctor Who is a new beast, a complete beast with a rich history and a compelling present.  The DVD's, the toys, the websites etc. all lend towards a modern day where we do know all there is to know about the show.  There are no gaps anymore and that makes us love him even more.  

As for the future, well I guess the Doctor knows, but the rest of us are left a little unsure.  I am certainly interested to see what Moffat (the writer of some of the best recent episodes) does as showrunner, but the 30 seconds and the trailer for series 5 have left a bitter 11th Doctor taste in my mouth.  He already seems to be aping Tennant too much and he just kind of irks me like the guys who shops at Hot Topic irk me.  Maybe by the time it rolls around this Spring I'll be ready to move on and accept him, but for now he can take his new logo and disappear for a while.  I need to grieve.

You never forget your first Doctor, and with warmest regards to Eccleston who I think rocked it as #9, David Tennant's #10 is, for an overwhelming chunk of the fanbase, the first Doctor we've known.  We've really known.  Mine was Baker, but the first one I cared about was Tennant and "The End of Time" is a perfect send-off for him.  I love what they did with it, as sappy as it got, and adore his final line.  "I don't want to go."  We don't want you to either David, but thank you for all the wonderful adventures you let us be your companion.  

 

KAW!!!!!

Before I even begin, I'd like to apologize to my spell check for what's about to happen.

Made for TV movies have become a bit of a passion project for me lately, so when my friend texted me with "Kaw viewing party?" I knew it was Kaw-n!!

A Kaw-tionary tale about the mishandling of diseased cattle, Kaw follows the Young Indiana Jones on his last day on the job as head cop in a small town.  Alas, he must move away because of his girlfriend's lucrative cultural anthropology teaching job in the big city.  The plot holes continue as crows start attacking townspeople and ripping apart their flesh.  The head crow even hoots like a monkey to get his gang to swoop in for blood.  The only thing missing was a bird with a mohawk and matching leather gang jackets. 

Eventually we find out that our half an hour of making marginally funny crow jokes was wasted because the birds are actually ravens!  Kaw-rap!  Ravens aren't that funny either, but thankfully the humans were!!  Especially town drunk/crazy Clive played by one Stephen "Hollis Mason from Watchmen" McHattie.  The raven king takes a particular shine to pecking on Clive, but that old coot is hard to kill and oozes crotchety rehab grunts the rest of the show!  Eventually, some Amish wannabes are fingered as infecting the birds with mad cow disease (not joking) and there is a big chase through a corn field and showdown at Betty's diner with the gas pumps going Kaw-boom, and then all the birds just die form the disease anyway. 

Warning: there is a Kaw-oda where Flanery and his best gal return home to instill a glimmer of hope in us for a sequel.  

If you're watching Kaw alone, you're a sad sack of water indeed.  However, if you're watching Kaw with some smart ass friends, you are a movie god destined to take your place among the statues of Mount Olympus!  Not really, but the point is Kaw is definitely a communal event so be sure to have plenty of Kaw-mpany over and possibly a bowl of chicken wings with ranch and Kaw-rots.  Am I stretching this joke yet?

They reference the town as having 600 residents, but I think that census might be from 1956 because there is literally 12 people in the movie.  And when half your population is Mennonite, you're in trouble.  And hey creepy old mennonite dude, what happened to all your women?  I mean, I see the "trampy" basketball playing daughter with her "new world" friends, but what menno-mom did she come out of?  

A word of Kaw-tion to the squeemish.  If you don't like to see trained birds pulling away at tasty meat treats, you'll need a few bathroom breaks.  Normally I'm all for nature taking out a little frustration on some fictional humans, but the ravens actually lost me when they ganged up on Clive's dog, who seriously was the best actor in the movie.  That dog out acted Jake Lloyd in Episode 1 and he wasn't even in that!  But, he gets Kaw-demned to death by the birdies and doesn't make it past reel two.

The only character I didn't want to die in this movie was Sean Patrick Flannery.  His girlfriend?  Totally.  If you fall into a well filled with dead mad cows, you scream until someone, anyone rescues you.  Better to die at the sick hands of a crazed Amish cult leader than to rot and/or burn with bloodied, pussy cattle.  Doris?  Oh yeah.  This Kristen Stewart Twilight understudy breaks the Jeepers Creepers bus and gives the driver shit for it, then whines her way into getting her basketball coach Kaw-tacked to death.  No one in the room didn't want to see her get it.  The best character is the stay at home Kaw-p lady who must have shot her entire three scenes of talking on the CB in a day.  I'm not even sure she got invited to the cast wrap party.

The worst character had to be the town doctor, Walter Wallace M.D.  Played to hilarious imperfection by Rod Taylor, Doc's scenes include placing the business end of a stethescope on a Kaw'd up Vancouver version of a super model and proclaiming "she didn't make it" and his brilliant deduction that the mad cow disease was "affecting the birds."  Really a beak to the frontal lobe would've been welcome at any time.  This role actually pulled Rod out of a 7 plus year retirement?  More recently he played Winston Churchill in Inglorious Bastards.  Yep, that sounds like a natural career progression alright.

Overall, the experience was Kaw-some.  A Kaw-inspiring display of B-movie Kaw-tent lightly wrapped around Hitchcock's The Birds and featuring a couple actors you maybe heard of once.  It was like delicious bad movie Kaw-ndy.  Okay, that was pushing it, but I had to try and squeeze as many of those damn Kaw references in as I could!!

If you've seen the flick, be sure to leave your Kaw-ments below!

Screened: The Mains Estate (DVR)

Director: Sheldon Wilson

Script: Benjamin Sztajnktycer

Cast: Sean Patrick Flanery, Stephen McHattie, Kaw-ristin Booth

Fav. Quote: why "kaw!!" of course!

Snacks: a pre-show chicken ceaser salad

Grade: B (on a curve for pure entertainment value only)